me

2011-12-25T11:53:00.001-08:00

jennifer-kwan.blogspot.com

I make a wish send it to heaven and make you wanna cry

2011-04-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wished that //

I wished for a lot of crap but got none ,ended up disappointed .

If nobody packs me a snack basket ,I'll pack it by myself

If nobody says good job ,you can see it on my wall keep grinding

If people snub you ,remember that you have the highest power in lonely hours

When you don't receive letters ,write one for your future self .

Not narcissism but you know best what you want right ?So why bother telling others something so that they can tell you in return .Its a waste of time .

2011-04-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

It is only now that I realise the power of new media .Like its full blast effects .Not that I do not trust local papers but stuff like youtube ,fb and twitter are way more efficient in spreading information by getting people interested .

Best day of my life in college :)Had an eye opening conversation with a senior and left me wondering how different people can be .

Kim bap making .Yeah sem closes in a bit whole the exams would just roll in

2011-04-18T04:39:00.000-07:00

When there are criticism ,the common response is I am just stating my opinion .Well I 'll exclude the word just cos my opinions matter !

Immigration thoughts

2011-04-18T04:17:00.000-07:00

Well ,today instead of doing proper work /research for my coming paper and jotting down stuff to memorise to my coming exams ,a theme kept popping into my head .My recent /from -the-past fetish of reading stuff about Asian Americans came back again .

So I went into HSS library to get 2 books on that theme .Well,spent 3 hours reading it while travelling and while waiting for k class .It pretty circled around similar themes focusing on 2 main groups of people American Chinese and American Koreans .I gave the ABC a missed as there is constant debate and differentiation between 0.5 ,1 ,1.5 generations .Well the interviews focused on this specific group as they were the group with statistically most entrepreneurs .

From where I live ,the word entrepreneur meant cool stuff ,it meant having a cool idea cramming in a small office or even at home with a few friends working on my brain child .But it wasn't really the case ,it was no budding facebook idea in the book .Entrepreneurs referred to small little businesses ,shops ?While there are f and b businesses back home sprouting at a rapid rate ,the level of prestige seems to be starkly different .It would be cool if a bunch of friends or a family could set up a stall selling some novel item and aiming to break even after some time .But from what I have read ,the little stalls set up involved hard work of many decades and counting .In my mind I was thinking ,how can one possibly work so hard and not succeed ?Well that was the case for them ,working 14 hours on your feet and barely breaking even each year .

Something shocking was that kids were expected to help out and provide labour in the stall .Over here ,it seems like a nice gesture to do so but in the states it seems like a taken for granted thing for children to help their parents .

What amazed me the most was that in the end ,the kids continued working hard to aim to give their parents a better living .Well back here ,I get thanked by my mum for doing some chores and I appreciate that as it is not something to be taken for granted. I feel that I have the right to voice out my opinions when something is gender bias in the family like how my brother and dad do not clean up after eating .Although I did the cleaning up ,I felt that its my prerogative to voice out their mistakes .

Basically I think despite being in Asia ,my society has lost quite a lot of East Asian values which is not a completely bad thing .This society is pretty much westernised apart from certain things that remain the same like staying in the same house despite being 21 ,which can hardly be done due to space constraint .

I've heard quite a bit about the migration process of Singaporeans in the states .Its not quite the same as what was written of Chinese(ethnicity) migrants .

slug slug slug

2011-04-06T07:11:00.001-07:00

Slug like day with not much to say

Had much intended but slugged it away

Got things pumping a little

Being ill is not a good excuse for slacking .

Scenerio 1 :I am ill.(Blows nose in a sympathetic manner ,trying to tell the world that one's body is on the verge of breaking down )

Scenerio 2 :I am ill .(But that's not holding me down ,I will get well by this time ,and yeah that bug is not inherently in me .Fighting the illness instead of embracing it as part of you )

tick tick tick .

You got to do what you have got to do .

Domesticated

2011-03-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

I promised to play maid for a month for extra 30 bucks .Its nuts simply insane .Start to value my time and the tenacity of domestic helpers now .

Morning hang up the clothes before I go to school

After that ,find some food to eat (due to extremely tight financial situation on my side ).Fix a sandwich or something (most time efficient )

Return from school, finish up my work

Fixed dinner (I took so long and was totally drained after that ,all the washing ,gonna faint )

I really salute mum for doing all the cooking ,washing and working .There is no wonder why she naps on the sofa during 8pm tv time .

I am pretty drained now ,can't run anymore ,maybe I can ,if I tell myself to .

I would never want to be a home maker without a domestic helper .Its too tough .If I do ,my family is gonna taste Singaporean Chinese food once a week or less frequently .Its simply too much work .I support a sandwich and salad meal plan .

2011-03-13T19:34:00.001-07:00

Luke :Persecution.Just a fleeting thought on being self consciousness .Everything would be stripped away one day .Hide no more !

Reading about habitudes in the morning .

Making beattitudes your habits .

Disagreed with its simplistic style .I was like no way are you speaking about Marx in that manner .

But a nugget dropped out and struck me .

Authentic -being an author .

And why do we even struggle with who is authentic

Who cares how it starts .If it ends differently ,I will just coin it with a different name .

Lucky 7 .God made the earth in 6 days and rested for one .

Ultimate seven ,physical challenge .

I dream about

2011-03-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

dulce de leche and strawberry and cream
ice cream
shepherd's pie and rosti
All the food that is unhealthy and cost more than 100 calories per serving
Colourful macaroons and raspberries
Thought purchasing everything and consume them all at a goal
With a book in one hand and all the crumbs in the other
Ditching my 9pm run and stretch exercise
But I do dream about
Amazing muscles
Doing flips in the air without pain
Curving into a bridge easily
Beating my old running timing
And working on that stab move when I am free

Used to take skinny genes for granted ,stop assuming that unfounded assumption.

Gotta study like a nerd and work like a beast .

2011-03-12T03:46:00.000-08:00

Today was an amazing roller coaster ride
I have some stuff I have prepared ,not ready to show
But
Well ,today I kind of dug deep into my heart and poured it out a little
Realised why I love running so much
More than the time when I entered small little leagues .

While sweat and tears mixed ,
Nobody would say anything
I am in need of no sympathy ,
Give me sometime ,I 'll be back on my feet

I had to address some bugging issue
Something that was on going but so hard to tell
Not something any family would be proud of
Little disputes that put me off

Growing much this year is my rage
Eminem taught me too well to vent it with my gap
I said things that I was not sorry for
It made perfect sense but something was estranged

Would I fix them ,I 'll heck it anyway ,but I know ,it will hurt again someday
Chip of the old blocks ,complete look alike .
I'll see how it goes ,I dont have much time .
If something can be kept ,dragged on ,leave it then .

fffffeminism

2011-03-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

I was reading a news article about someone being sexually abused .I totally jumped up and googled for details .

Disgusted to what I have seen ,in a place where 예철 is of such importance .I am just grossed out .Where is the respect for women ?Men are made stronger to protect women and not run them all over the place .Neither are women made to be abused .Is it just me or are there more women who train to be stronger ,mentally ,intellectually ,physically more vulgar and listen to heavy beats ?There must be a reason for this .

Guys ,protect ,respect and not throw your strength around .
Not that anything happened to me ,my heart just beats according to what I am made to be ,a female counterpart .

A social person

2011-03-06T03:48:00.000-08:00

I am a sociable person and I try to maintain friendships
At least for those I treasure ,I make a considerable effort
Now ,its a crunch time for me .Nobody agrees and nobody knows ,what's going on in my mind now
I text ,I call and I pm to no avail .
In my heart ,I thought forget it ,why are people behaving like that suddenly .
Perhaps I am not a dependable enough person to trust .

opinions ,opinions are often mispelled as options ,
You do have a choice .
But my heart is grieving ,for the many hours and years as a friend .
Maybe I said something I shouldn't but you know how I am like
Straight in your face ,no mincing of words all the time
I said I wasnt interested and I didnt care ,
You said you couldn't find someone to trust .
I guess it meant more than it should at that point then .

Let me calm down ,take a rest ,clock a few kilometres ,and give my muscles no rest .
Then soon ,I will come back to you ,pm you something and ask how is it going friend .

2011-03-06T03:42:00.000-08:00

stay focused ,stay focused .

I run to focus ,so I focus to run .

tick tock goes the clock

I didn't know that lasting friendships are of high maintanence .

My Week

2011-01-31T23:52:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to start school proper .We had one day of great class and then yeah lunar holidays ,we stopped again .

Being in korean2 class ,I had classmates who were crazy fans of super junior ,well so they spent time talking about them lalalala and I saw some videos of the concert .Just wondering ,these people must be really entertaining to hold a concert in a place where people don't understand korean .Everyone had fun I guess ,judging from the reviews of the concert .

Yesterday was a blast ,worked out ,did academic stuff .
Today was whack ,got up late ,went for class and incubating ever since then

Random conversation with friend
S:How's your phone doing ?
J:Not serving me well ,I am patient so its ok .Should I get a new phone ?Contract is up anyway .How about an iphone ?
S:There's a prestige factor involved
An inbuilt application called isnob then you get ipunch when you show it to others .

My thoughts on it ?
Good gadget
We may be overly dependent on it sometimes

This sem

2011-01-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

I was thinking of what to write ,and how to write .

Like a JC kid ranting

Or like a college kid writing papers

But writing reflects maturity and state of mind

Brain cells are degenerating ,I think I am learning new stuff each day but why do I not feel the maturity in anyway .

long time

2011-01-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

Well ,it has been a long time since I posted anything here ,till someone reminded me of this blog .I have decided to keep this alive so that well ,its a good reference instead of documenting my life in some word document .

Anyway my 3 months project !!
Apart from the norms

I have decided to
1.invite 2 people to church by march 31st
2.go on a diet and workout till i have enough strength to walk with my hands

Way to go ,
wishing the world peace joy ,love and harmony

2010-11-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

Life is such a bugger .I don't know why I do not get anything right .I get things done but few right and completely well .Grr its so getting on my nerves .I had better search myself deep and thorough if not I'll just not get anything done at all .

I'm so pissed with this meritocratic crap .I feel pissed even studying about it .Stress bugs me when I watch shows which shows people mugging too hard .

Rah .Can't wait to tear out all the books and ,well nobody read books anyway .I have no right to release my angsty for the angsty teenager has long pass her time .

Not sure if positivity helps anymore ,look for positivism and get real

2010-08-09T09:28:00.001-07:00

motivation to learn hangul .I really did .It has been one hour since i started on the simple vocabulary .I will go back one day ,definitely

hey there I'm here

2010-08-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

I thought of writing something tonight ,at a wee hour of 2am and I contemplated really hard ?Why did I think so hard about it ?It was because I had to make a decision whether to transcribe my brain or select some material that is interest worthy to gather comments and keep myself entertained for the mere two minutes and have a sense of gloried self when I gain attention.

Why have I become someone like this ?I was asked a question of why I watched a movie alone today .I said chingu obsor.No friends ,someone said I know.Well that's true ,to truly think of that how many of the 500 odd friends do I actually know ,do I feel comfortable crying out to when I am in times of trouble.After searching my heart deep ,I realised that I have a little procedure when I am unhappy, I cry a lot ,then I stare at the computer screen looking at the means of communication and feel even more isolated,after which I would take some time out alone ,alone=not alone but time with God .It can be long runs ,walks ,swims in some adventurous place.So that leaves friends ,friends in name .I would confide in my few pals which I can count with two fingers.Thats about it .

2010-07-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

The holidays is approaching the end as I am going to start work again .

The highlight of my summer should be korea is is most likely korea .Its not just south but a mere glimpse of the north made my heart pound faster .

Friendships forged that are always remembered but difficult to maintained .If we did not remain in contact for like a month or so .All of our I miss you s will disappear subsequently.Memories will just remain in the photographs and nothing deeper than that .

I realised that relationships are seriously man made.No such thing as an affinity .Perhaps its God arranged but the course of fostering relationships is still very much up to man.

Too many things to do.Too lazy to complete them.I could live in korea forever once I have officially gotten the franchaise approval of all my favourite local food there.

Despite missing Singapore so much due to its food .I got my local fix and miss the people whom I met there even more .

I guess that's what a summer is suppose to be .An unforgettable one ,or rather one that resembles a fairy tale .A good enough break to keep you going to the next academic year.I love summer .

Time

2010-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

The amount of time I spend on facebook and checking my 3 email accounts could be better spent

1.to read the book on adoption
2. catch up on my bible reading
3.writing a prayer list (which includes north korea and people I love and care about )
4.earning some cash
5.cooking
6.packing the house ,starting from the living room ,I will move from down to up
7.reading the chinese /korean /english blog of my friend
8.cracking my head on how to sell the books to my juniors
9.getting mr lee to pass me the receipt(I ever thought of giving up on that 500 sgd but decided not to ,it can buy me a one way ticket to seoul)
10.Learning more hangul.

Food to prepare when I get back to sg

2010-06-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

1.Good cantonese soup (yeah at least 100 to name here )
2.Pomelo sago dessert
3.Cooling cantonese dessert
4.Wanton(fried -Chris and Steph like)
5.Oyster Kailan lots of them(bored of eating salad in Korea)
6.Good pasta
7.Tomato prawns
8.I will try to make san ge chuk and san ge tang
9.Mushroom and oysters chuk
10.Yogurt with lots of fruits
11.Omelette(Without ketchup but with shrimp)
12.Fu pei roll(I will do it with lots of prawns ,waterchessnuts ,wanton mix)
13.Pizza (whole wheat ones just like how the koreans do it but no more sweet potatoes)
14.Jajiang(my best friend now)
15.Pakbingsu with gula meleka

I realise that I understand korean but I just don't speak it.

One could realise that I miss home as I write this post.I could probably last a lot longer in a place with a kitchen.This made me realise how much difference food makes in establishing ties and changing one's emotions.

Chonun is missing good food a lot

2010-06-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

A and W I am missing it so much.

Actually I really want to go to KL to eat.My roomie is Malaysian.

Anyways if all else fails ,I shall cook my family an A &W meal.Stephanie will likely kill me as she had just returned from the land of cheese burgers .

Well lets imagine ,

1.Chilli Fries (Lots of beef and cheese )

2.Home made burger (Any lousy meat beats sausages ,add onions (koreans make really good caramelised onions as side dishes)mushrooms (fresh or stale/I mean can),capsicum ,lettuce ,thousand island sauce ,mozerella cheese ,and smash the patty together !!! ohh not to forget tomatoes.

3.Root beer float .Root beer with ice cream and ice .I shall get straws for asthetics purposes (We don't use straws at home)

4.Dessert I shall force everyone to eat fruit yoghurt since I am accustomed to eating yoghurt here (not kim chi-I return dishes or kim chi to the vendor everyday)

That will be a very good meal.

bad day

2010-06-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

My eyes are swollen from crying .

I will miss the people at church: )

I am not sure why I am crying so much today and its sorrow .Dark bitter sorrow without no apparent reason.

Someone said something like they can't understand me and I felt anger came back and cried for an hour.

After 2 hours of walking on my own and listening to music plus running did the flow stop.

God help me .I do not want to cry whenever I am alone or with people .

It is not fun and people do not like to be with cry babies .

RIght now tears flow down again.I hope the toilet roll is enough.

At this moments I cannot take jokes .pLease do not say anything silly now.

who cares

2010-06-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

if i cried for one hour
if i can't communicate

A little reflection before I pack my bags and do editing

2010-06-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

It has dawned upon be that this is the last week I have in dajeon with this wonderful bunch of people.So far everything has been good.Good company has compensated for the spicy kimchi and the severe lack of kwa il and kogi .

Soccer matches has substituted times when I stare in front of the google box.

Friendships forged by laughing at each other and of our accents .Lovely oppas and unis who have made so many of my days .The makoli days and the beer while we watch soccer times :)

this is what make dajeon exciting.

NOt to mention the muddlehead hiking times when we climbed 3peaks by mistake.

I love all of you who have made my days ,fellow singaporeans ,malaysians ,my few and annoying hongkong dim sum buddies friends ,americans ,canadian nam donseng.

lawless godlesss place

2010-06-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

I am in my own realm .Godless ,lawless.

Time to pick myself up and get ready for God speak to me .Too much of this type of freedom can kill.

3-4 more weeks and I will be gone.I shall waste no more time.

Peace out.

things you can do when you are 15

2010-06-22T04:08:00.000-07:00

whine a whole lot more telling people that you are perpetually bored

play the prime of your life away in sports

watch idol dramas and dream about how to fall in love with them

think literally about que sara sara

picture some slow motion shots of yourself in it

do crazy things without being responsible

have crushes

feel happy when you eat ice cream

act like you are 15

trip

2010-06-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

trip ,long road trip.

I remembered a lonely night somehow I cried because everyone was skyping their love ones and I had no one to complain to.In korea somehow I felt this emptiness.But God where are you ?I did not ask this question but a concept of renting a boyfriend came to my mind.

Going on dates is so fun here.But somehow I cannot pass the responsibility stage.When all fades away ,my word will still remain. I always thought why am I a Christian as there is so much responsibilities that come with it.It would be way better if I did not have those bondages but yet knowing that God is soverign I just cannot negate that fact.

My heart is dead and I guess its hard for me to fall in love again.The heart throbs no longer and I am no longer normal .These things are hard so lets not ponder about them.Lets just strive to be nothing but nice people to love others.

If it is such a small component of my live then why am I suffering so much??

2010-06-14T01:03:00.003-07:00

I love my song seng nim.

I am going to study hard for her and write her a card

Proverbs 1-2

2010-06-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

It feels good reading the bible.Causes and consequences.Fools avoid discipline.I felt that I was like a fool.I hated to be discipline.If I would continue my ways I will just die a tragic death.

What does discipline mean?
DIscipline in any form and discipline especially nobody is watching .The true heart before a God who forgives and a God who loves us.But before a God with high standards.How would He feel if the price of His son was used so cheaply and in an undignified manner.

I will embrace discipline in my life.

APplication:Learn Hangul

A jealous heart

2010-06-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

A jealous heart and an envious mind>

I had been viewing documentary after documentary and listening to the science view points of things.Have anyone told you not to be jealous before?I wonder if its a positive attribute or not.

Jealousy propels people to move forward in development and in anything else .Its just a fine line between jealousy and competition.

I do not really know the answer and believes that the answer lies in proverbs so I am going to read it now.

I am suddenly feeling a surge to study korean .That feeling that propels.What is it called ?Jealousy?Reflexes?

Things I do before I leave S.Korea

2010-06-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

1.Visit Seoul at Hong Gik
2.Watch the star concert.
3.Visit Gyeong ju
4.Speak korean well enough to travel on my own
5.Go jeju island and busan
6.Watch nanta ,bboy meets ballerina
7.Pray for sara

very important reflections in korea

2010-06-09T07:34:00.001-07:00

This is a frank reflection .I know that few people would read this blog as the address is not widely circulated even if it does I shall not feel embarrassed as I guess this is me.

Staying in Daejeon for over a week made me realised something about privacy.I could not understand why people put on make up and did certain things to make themselves look more beautiful.I pondered the extent that you can make yourself ing up .Its just like make up people echoed in the discussion of plastic surgery so much so that I am sipped into this idea as well.The concept of being presentable is very much debatable .So my stand for plastic surgery changed from an absolute no to no comment.One may contest and say that God made people beautiful.I agree on that but I guess the reason why people doll themselves up is the please the audience.When I doll myself up I jolly know who my audience is.I dress up for interviews for social events blah blah blah.My point is even christians doll themselves up as it is not for God's viewing pleasure but man.This is a fairly neutral point and does not waver my love for God but I pray for a revelation.I pray that I can understand what all these are about and breakthrough.

Another thing that I have been pondering about is about quiet time.The time I have to be alone ,away form others in the woods and staring at space ,is that my philo time or is it a God time.I know God can speak to me at anytime but I want to set my heart right.I found the right place just for worship where I can play the piano without disturbing others.

God thank you for ching gus ,oppas and unis.

Thoughts on korea

2010-05-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

Korea is quite a fine land which I would not hesitate to come again to pay another visit.Living here is pretty fun as it has both its fast pace of life and the slow pace ones.The slow pace life would take place during the weekend where people walk their dogs .People here are friendly so are the dogs.I met a chihuahua who was such a darling it just like rolled into my arms like it knew me.

The guys here are really interesting and we would see that the school is trying hard in match making the students (promotion of eugenics)and well there's even a lab warning on no cuddling up together in the lab.

I want

2010-05-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

I want freedom.

I want biscuits in a box ,sweets chocolates anything that can keep my stomach full.

I want colour pens and note books.

I am not that grown up yet.I don't wish to be.But well responsibilities and still needed to be assumed.

This period of time is one of the most painful.

I am trying to find myself as an entity in the process of assuming responsibilities and trying not to undermine my parent's authority.This is difficult really.

does money =authority

If yes ,I know the reason why I am going through so much hassle in figuring out but I have no solutions at all.

2010-05-22T21:43:00.001-07:00

While assuming responsibilities ,its never too old to act young

I will continue watching real hip hop performances

Watch theatrical comedies

Make lovely little ugly crafts for people and continue to be nice

2010-05-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am really really upset now for no apparent reason and I am crying but I cannot express this feeling in an anymore public place than this as people just bought me a cake just now and I ought to be happy.

Feelings are not rational they are instinctive.

Birthdays

2010-05-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Today I had a revelation during service something which hit me hard in the heart.

I realised that often I take gifts for granted I even grumble that something is a lousy gift or that special day is not made special enough .Then I thought with my myopic little perspective that I have taken so many things for granted and expect gifts ,tangible ones that I fail to see what a perfect gift I have received.I would have traded it away for a fruit tart easily.Knowing that Christ died on the cross is easybut being convinced that it is a good gift is difficult.

As for this year ,some people asked me what I wanted for my birthday I would reply them with an object or something tangible but what do I really want in the first place?I am telling them things that I want or need but you know if I don't receive I will get it by myself.Tonight I started thinking that it is more than putting myself in the limelight but having what I originally wanted to maintain a good friendship.

In a perplexed state right now.Why birthdays ,it just happen to be a ritual making others feel lonely.

Its Summer

2010-05-21T02:41:00.000-07:00

It is sumer now .It was summer and it is still going to be summer holidays 3 months later.

My blog is still clean and white but I am planning to fill it with colourful pictures once someone lends me his or her camera.

I was pretty tempted to buy a camera .It was really really cheap around 100 odd but I do not have a habit of documenting my life with pictures and its really weird to start doing it just because of gss.

For a period of two minutes I was feeling extremely extremely stressed over something I was completey sure of.Well next week will be better next week will.

Slacking off over the weekend.

2010-05-13T07:10:00.001-07:00

There are days where I feel as light as a feather and days where I get tired from watching people dance .

Times I ponder about my place in this world .If I do not do the things I am meant to do .There is no purpose for living .

Tenets of space for me to imagine about the value of money .I asked mum what she would do if she had money.The funny thing is that she had never pondered about the question at all .It was all about the family all along and our university expenses.

Things like such make me feel slightly remorseful as I am spending money on travel and defiantly seeking my personal freedom using income as an exchange.

So what to do with money if I had a little more to spare ?

Since young I wanted an automobile but now I can't drive and the bad thing is that my place where I live is whereever God is .That is to put it nicely.God gives me security .I can go anywhere with him .So an automobile is not of any use at all .

I can walk to China if I want to or whatever means .

Here comes an important problem .These are my little thoughts pieced together from processing certain ideals and facts. I need fresh insight to life and its no help that someone is chanting the uselessness of university education and the flaws of our hapless city life .

I need God but is an inch away as I am too lazy.Such a lousy excuse by saying I will find God in Korea. Find God now .Find time.

Summer Plans

2010-05-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

Anyway today I was extrmely inspired by terracycle.Passionate people making things work ,the most important part is that it is environmentally friendly.Ingenious ideas.

Summer Plans or Goals
1.Able to do 500 laps at the end of summer
2.Play decent ping pong
3.Speak Korean fluently and be able to read the korean newspaper.
4.Pack the room.
5.Read the bible and not about the bible.
6.Write a travel journal
7.Finish playing Sonata in A
8.Think of what is important to me for the rest of my life
9.Write my own joy luck club
10.Pile up more asian novels.

A hobby

2010-05-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

Ilike to travel .

I like to see new places ,not move around a lot but stay at one place with friendly smiles .

Its not hard to be a good person .

I have been pondering about what is said about the bible too much .TIme o look into it seriously.

2010-05-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

I thank God for university .Such a period of rest and an opportunity to connect with other people .

I have a paradigm shift.I really really do.It was only recently did I realise that I stopped having feelings of anxiety ove exams and well me and my zen lifestyle .Put it in the sermon's term.Perhaps just a different kind of ambition.

God has good gifts for me .I know that as I have seen them .

Post exam boredom

2010-05-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

I stopped consuming a lot of pop stuff once exams are over ,like variety shows ,blah .Quite upset that I cant find my meepok man .Somebody please persuade me to watch something interesting.

Alternatively
I can play the piano till my fingers bleed .

I can read asian novels .I am truly asian .

Travel plans

Earn money

Do stunts

Have a tart

2010-04-29T05:01:00.000-07:00

I will learn how to make these delightful tarts soon.

Exams were nearly bringing me down till I had a good chat with a course mate .I promise myself not to talk about grades and not to reveal that prized number but concentrate on having fun in my college life .

Have a fruit tart .Its not the amount of hours or the grade that determines your school life but its the experiences.I had a good time this semester and I am not going to let anything ruin it .

Happy Happy

2010-04-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Happy as ,not that exams are over but I am prepared for one .Yup and listening to farmer songs .Beautiful pictures painted .I see trees ,smiles ,paddy fields ,can't contain the excitement .Wonderful wonderful day : )

2010-04-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

I am mugging alone today .Need to savour this feeling as I would not be mugging anymore till end of the year so gambate .

At the noose now .Its quite a sight seeing people running to the lift which leads to the central library .It was quite a good morning ,looking and making more notes for my pop module and well was a little nervous when a bee hovered non stop around me .2 days ago was flying ants now its a bee .Clearly a bee with yellow stripes .

I was browsing around groceries ,favourite activity of mine when I feel bored .And I realised that walmart sells totino pizza rolls .I am getting so excited over it .But this summer ,there is no plan and capital to take a vacation in the US .

2010-04-20T22:04:00.001-07:00

I would stop hoping for the best .But I will be thankful for everything I have including exams .NO whys about that .

2010-04-18T03:47:00.000-07:00

freaking unproductive =woke up late
-cant study at home
-go to school (read ,type ,fb ,listen to songs ,read cell members blogs ,read again )
In the end searching for summaries online as readings were too tough :(

A story

2010-04-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

People used to be sick and dying .

The entire village will visit them ,spend time with them .

THey know that they will die .That is part of being sick .THey feel pain .Not sure how to describe ,just pain .

THen everyone is informed .Love ,care and concern .

But now ,we are not sure who is sick as everyone is complaining .Is it a false alarm ?Are people being too manipulative ?How about those who are really sick ?They pass on without a notice .
They are too weak to complain .What they lack is a portal to whine or someone who expresses that he cares .Or perhaps they are surrounded with too many false alarms around them .When the real siren rings ,nobody cares .

I hope people read my blog .People who don't know me .People who I will never get to meet : )

I have been thinking

2010-04-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking .About my brain and whatever that runs through it and why is it that something runs through it .

PLaying a bit of devil's advocate here .
L:I believe in altruism .Yes someone just performed a seemingly selfless act to me and I like it .He is a nice boy .

R:Nah .Don't you remembered what you read ?Bourdieu said that ,that is to maintainhe social relations in a non violent manner. I get it lah he is a good christian letting me feel loved through his actions .

Does it makes it less loving after understanding his motive ?

I too get why I visit facebook so much .I am really really isolated in school doing my own stuff but is too ashamed to tell the world my feelings or to blatantly ask them wassup online in case they think silly or I think silly .So I go to fb where all the lonely people gather .

21 this year

2010-04-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

Its not just a year but one filled with responsibilities .

Its not today but a gap to fill before attempting Pierre Bourdieu's reading .

Other people would have pretty pictures and new gadgets .

But my greatest wish this year is to document my life ,my family ,things that occur to me .

The littler dimmer side which people miss or choose not to see .

Bringing value to the marginalised .

Experiences are interesting ,why are you borned like that ?With black eyes ?With cleft lip ?With down syndrome .With autism?With every penny to scramble for ?With a not so perfect family ?With nothing to boast about except the little credits which you have tried to claim ?

God please help me to see beyond surfaces .

Becoming quite stoic and slow to express myself this year as I believe that not every question needs an answer .

A few things on the back of my mind

2010-04-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

I would like to write my "Joy Luck Club"series .Many interesting happening in my family that are worth documented .

2010-04-09T19:30:00.001-07:00

Be still and know that I am God .The Lord of Host is with us .The God of Jacob is our refuge .Thank you God .

I will never find the real need of this if I was not faced with death. Life is like a Disney Land so many things to achieve ,so many things to play with .But very soon we will leave Disney Land .

Good day

2010-04-08T23:54:00.001-07:00

Today is quite an alright day .I mugged at home and discovered the actual usefulness of what I am studying .

I gave it some thought after being asked that mind boggling question of what is your passion once again .Of course I didnt answer .Feeling bashful and inadequate plus I like too many things but know I need to focus on one in the end .I concluded that there were many things I liked and wanted to pursue or is in the course of pursuing as age edges in ,there are many hobbies which I have to evaluate.Issues of cost ,cause and usefulness have to be considered .

Friend A loves to be a geek and decided to be a geek from a young age .

Friend B decided that it was an emotion she wants .And she would do lots of things just to fulfil that .

While I am hanging on a tree debilating which side to fall on.

Well .I had something concrete mapped out but still keep my transient caprices floating anyway they are important and bring colour to life .

Positivism .

2010-04-05T01:15:00.001-07:00

self aggrandizement /i dont like .

2010-04-03T22:11:00.001-07:00

What is the most important thing in life ?

A few Reasons why I think I am backsliding

2010-03-31T18:16:00.000-07:00

Thank God I am backsliding and not backslided .This means that I am still giving great throught of my faith
1. First being ,I make a conscious choice not to read my bible and when I do read ,at least for the past 2 weeks ,I read it pretty critically .It still doesnt make sense to me in some of the chapters .

2.I understand that God loves me but only feel it in times of crisis.Perhaps ,there's something else I love more now that's why .There are many more things I appreciate more .Perhaps I can experience God at full blast when I am working ,in my exams or when I am in Korea ,all alone .
It chances upon me that it is an unhealthy cycle to like be madly in love with God ,get smashed ,cry a whole lot of confessions then be close to God again .It simply sounds like a relationship gone wrong .So instead of being remorseful now ,I am trying to figure things out now before it turns for the worse.At the back of my mind ,I was pondering about not thinking at all .Well simple faith always works .But then again ,God gave us wisdom .

Point noted is that God gave you wisdom ,he didn't mention about knowledge .
-When I read my devotion material ,it seems to be giving me some options of answers .But I take it as optional thinking its the author's interpretation .It has never occured to me that God can speak through the author anymore because with the academic work I 'm doing ,interpretation is interpretation.Information is lost through translation ,even from the mind to the pen .

3.At the back of my mind .I ever pondered if what I am studying is evil .It provides a lot of alternative views .There are so many Christians doing social science ,why don't they experience the crash like me ?For example ,we learnt about gender .And there is no such thing as gender until we defined one .We make our world .That's what its trying to say .It sums up the entire divine talk and bible as a socialisation object or simply doctrines of influence .

-There again ,we are always reminded that the devil is smart .But if I cling on to my views ,I would probably give a parochial perspective and zilch .Now ,I see that I need divine wisdom .

Till I think of more reasons or experience a breakthrough ,I will talk again to my little computer

2010-03-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

too much work leads to lonelines >alienation >anomie >

Solution ?
More work .

Busy busy ?

2010-03-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Busy .Are we really busy ?It seems like its the cool thing to be surrounded by work .Piled up by work .Since I knew a tad bit of what working life is like ,I had known nobody who likes to be labelled as doing nothing .The society seems to compel you to do something productive all the time .

There is even a term for doing nothing.Stoning .Simply wasting time .Procrastinating .There is a name for it ! People seem to take pride in sleeping in wee hours and challenging their bodies to do impossible tasks like keeping the immune system up ,not get gastric when they don't eat ,try not to age or have breakouts when they fill their slumber hours with weird activities like madness mugging or I don't know ?FF 13?When they finally crash ,they take pride in that too .Because they pushed their body hard enough for productive work .That's why they crash .

I am typing non sense now .It totally doesn't make sense .I think I blogged three times today .I kept changing msn nicks for my transient caprices.Trying to call for attention insiduously when all fails, all I can do is whine to my poor blog which has no strength of retaliation of calling me a bugger with no life .

I remembered reading a note from Facebook .Well well well .I do realise that your course of study does change your understanding of things .No matter how bright you are ,you need someone to enlighten you or something ,at least offer an alternative view .If not ,you will forever be stucked with the crappy gp /debates style .

2010-03-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

2 things

Perhaps perhaps.Social networking sites really serve as a platform for self aggrandizement.

I can never ever finish studying .Knowledge is so immense .How can I ever finish acquiring it .

2010-03-27T21:43:00.001-07:00

Today is 28th March 2010.I will mark my less than one month studying programme.

I blog.I talk .

2010-03-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

I was reading exodus this morning .The title itself is scary and daunting .Exodus .We have been spared due to the mercy by Jesus.I do not understand how the mechanics work.Those being excuted and all that .But what I learnt from that short passage that leadership is important .It was because of the Pharoah's wrong choice that people were placed in suffering .

On another note .

People love to talk .THey love to listen to their opinions and gain acceptance .People are seen as introverted as they do not wish to articulate their thought to be condemnation .We choose what to put on our sites as we wish to receive comments .Positive ones only .We show that we are pious to feel the sense of community.

We pose incidents of embarrassing moments as we understand that we can invoke humour by posing those statements or being labelled as silly not stupid or simply to gain attention.Similar to staus usage and personal messages online .I am jolly aware of that .

It is prolly an insiduous way of getting people to talk to you .Isn't it quite a joke that initiative is important ,it dictates who is pay more attention in a relationship.Who smses you more ,who talks to you more .Who is the first one to say hi and all that .All we are doing is to push initiatives around.

Horrible fragmented blogging .
The last point would be I am a Christian who is clear of who my saviour is.I may be seen as a bit liberal or rather unwary of certain things .I believe that I have to guard what I see or hear ,internally but refuse to admit that all songs are secular songs are evil.If the devil would like to encode meanings in the songs .They wouldn't be that easily discovered .Building on that ,twisting meanings to fit a point to increase fear awareness is making me despised certain methods people are trying to prove their piousness.

2 cents worth .continuing on 202.

I have a lot to say

2010-03-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

I do have a lot to say .

I am not stressed up .Just that things are not in place and I don't exactly like it .Academic life is affecting me as a person.I start to present things ,even doctrinal things ,lay them out and go .Here it is .It is up to you to believe in it .I am getting into the science and estimation camp.

As all these thoughts clog my brain.I flipped open to this passage in the devotion book.It says God did not ask you to worry about anything at all .He just want you to care about your relationship with Him.He will take care of the rest.If I was in the most precarious situation of my life ,I will seek solace in that .But things are different this time .Who said that trials and tribulations are tough ?They may make choices tough but not exactly the worst situations .Only in the worse situations would you trust in something you can't see .Because what you can see is something what you don't want to see.

The really tricky issue is that everything is going well .When you get invited to cool stuff and surrounded by friends who give you good advice and understands you really well.We build a support for each other .We care for one another on a platonic basis ,or normal friendships.It is not holy as we did not bring the divine into subject .We did talk about taboos and doctirnes from a culture point of view but God was not the centre of it .

It is tough.I call this tough .

Have an early night .6.30am in school.

2010-03-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Blahhh .

My thursday highlight was to realise that the Prof spent the whole semester's budget ,yet we are suppose to come up with dcent events /canteen tours .We can do it .

The rest of the night was spent discussing about theep's master plan .A whole lot of linguistic debate. I had nothing much to add as linguistic is complex .I realised that after doing my Bourdieu's presentation which I failed to fish out one important point .The one on social context.

I am basically screwed up totally if I don't score well for my exams .This semster would not get any worse .It was extremely stressful having some genius in class with immense amounts of knowledge stuffed in her brain .What can I do apart from being more critical.

The interesting part of the entire debate was me being the entire arbitrator.The computer engine person 's brain works in one way .The communication student's brain is filled with endless possibilities.The sociologist's aim is simply to keep things down and destroy all lothy plans.

I am currently looking at qualitative research and trying to salvage my grade from that horrible quiz.

If a pious person is reading and asks ,why didn't I mention about God and revelations from him .It is because I havent been praying I don't even want to go for Good Friday service.

Maybe things have changed

2010-03-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Maybe things have changed ,not being in church for three weeks .

I know that God is a good God and he bears no grudges against me if I do not mince my words .I am quite sure that there are many Christians who have certain things in mind which they do not talk about ,even in their small confined community .

I feel emancipated ,liberated and unchained because I hung out .For the pass few weeks ,I simply was quite caught up with having my mind run wild ,thinking of endless possibilities of certain things until my bodily is kind of paralysed ,movements are weird and a dazed look can be spotted all the time .

It took me one night to get myself back on track ,into reality ,its the company and the 6 hour bumpy ride that shook me up .Differing perspectives are good .Listen ,as we often do not .We are too anxious to chuck an absolute doctorine into someone's mind .Hardselling is not going to work .We are not perfect people .Tell them ,and not be afraid to destroy the grandoise and saintly image that people have established .

It takes courage and humility to tell people your flaws .

Back to work .I'll see what I choose to deliever for cell this week .

2010-03-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am blogging so much as I need somebody to talk to .I do not like approaching people and getting friendly especially when you know you are friends with that person but simply not want to be the one talking all the time .

Today during lecture ,for just like 5 minutes ,I went totally wild .Panick attack or something .Whatever the teacher said I did not understand .Despite knowing that she was speaking English ,I comprehended it as noise .pure noise .Then I got really irritated with myself ,to the max .NOt sure what that is called .

Came home and didnt like anything at all .I played the piano for a fair bit a few hours .Practising Sonata in A major .I like the 3rd variation the best .I will wake up to study tomorrow .Today is just hysterical .I need to find out what is freaking wrong with me .

Be a happy person :)yellow smiles

2010-03-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Stoning for more than 20 minutes

It must be the toll from staring and typing at the screen for 4 hours .

Been calling people to catch up as I cannot physically be there . . . . . . .

Something is on my mind .

Shall figure it out and throw it out .

Routine .Routine .Mechanised Mechanised .

Listening to Mad World .So typing in doubles doubles .

Good habits

2010-03-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

10 good habits I shall aim to uphold .

1.Do readings in advance .

2.Mug for Midterms

3.Read the bible everyday

4.Read the newspaper everyday (I am becoming a frog in a well ,literal translation )

5.(I do not have the courage to say swim everyday )So start from stretch everyday

6. Play the piano everyday .

7.Check facebook only once a week.(Every Thursday then )

8.Summarise readings

9.Pray for my loved ones .People who are forever on my mind ,certain groups like cell ,classmates ,coursemates ,learners ,stephanie ,tw)

10.Not dragging reviews on shows .

At this moment ,I still feel very dettached

2010-03-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

That title has a reason behind it .I feel dettached from reality .Doing things for the sake of doing them.Of course a persuasive of putting things would be saying that everything is there for a reason and for a greater purpose .The leart does not lie and I do not want to lie with my mouth to explain that everything is so alright .Neither do I want to conceal the fact that I am seeking solace and happiness in some other things like instant gratifications which in turn may not be so gratifying afterall as mainly ,my vacum is not filled ,my hunger is not statiated .The world is not falling into the place too .

After receiving many invites for 21 st birthdays ,I declined most of them .Time factor is crucial however ,I did not take into account how much courage one takes to plan her or his birthday parties .Well I planned one when I was ten and didn't really bother asking people to remember my birthday there after despite being disappointed so many times when people did not .Back to the title of feeling dettached .This exact feeling has thrown me off about accountability .

I am pretty attention seeking now .This is precisely why facebook is so popular .It allows people to generate media content .Everyone is a celebrity in their own enclosure .Like how celebrities avoid paparazzi ,we choose to untag unflattering photos too .We portray our profiles in a certain manner as its the first impression which you give someone whom you have first encountered .I am dettached from my heart but not dettached from the world .I am attachd to the world .Scaringly today when I was doing devotion today ,I came across this sentence that says are you ready for Jesus to whitewash you ?Are you ready to leave earth and go to heaven ,putting everything aside .My answer was not the confident ,conventional yes which I was assured of in the past as I boldly declared one thing I seek is to dwell in the kingdom of God .

How about the people who were with me last night ,the beautiful radio people that brought me so much joy ,the generous classmate who lent me notes when I needed it .The lunch partner who was so supportive of me .It is selfish to think of heaven all day long and not reach out .This strucked me down so quickly.

As for my academic life .Its on rocks .It is difficult ,rather I can't be bothered with it temporarily last semester as there is little to do .I pondered about my careeer .I think about it every single day .Its coincidental that I am meeting so many people from Computer Engineering ,not one special one but so many ,2 hands to count ?Is science really that useful ?Perhaps ,But just not for me .I secretly wondered if I had placed a curse on myself telling myself that I am not a science person .Recently I pondered about over achievers .The educational rat race ,there is just so much to go ,should I just finish it ?

Touched on several aspects being perplexed and detached .The last would be matters of the heart .Well I should not go on since I am so convinced that I don't have time to think about anything else now .

Things I need to do

2010-03-12T04:41:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed reading one of my new found friend's /course mates blog .Well its always pleasant to know a person better after reading his /her recollections of the past .I have been thinking about certain things that I can only afford to ponder on the bus .

I am a responsible person : )I take the initiative to call my friend ,after understanding that they really need someone to talk to and its quite impossible to fix a meet up anytime soon .I feel bad about that but you know what ??I think Christians whine a whole lot .The thing about recollection and having God speak to you is constantly being mixed and mashed with lots of personal feelings .Well yeah .I was just pondering why people have some sort of whining ritual called catching up .Maybe I'm wrong .

I am not trying to hit on anybody but I simply have tickets for shows /musicals /parties ....... and is trying to avoid them .

I no longer read the newspaper and does not get infuriated by any news anymore .The media is simply bias .Without accusing anybody in particular ,there is always an aim to be achieved for writing a piece of news or whatsoever .I prefer talking cock ,perhaps not the russian way .I'll invent my own .

This semester is more than I can ask for .Nothing I detest yet .Just that I haven't been putting enough effort .

Perhaps I am getting jealous of my sister .Yes I am .I heart tells me that .

2010-03-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

I have neglected my studies for half a semester .So now .I am prepared to act like a student for less than 2 months .

Its time to decide what kind of life I would like to have .

What is love encounter ?

Backpackers Deserve good Lodging

2010-03-03T22:00:00.001-08:00

I have always wanted to open a little inn with great services .It would not hurt throwing a bit more freebies :)

2010-03-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

Unknowingly ,this semester is like half gone .But it has been an awesome experience so far ,slacking all out and doing radio .For the second half ,I would have a more hectic issue and less time for radio and little cheap work .

I like earning my own cash ,however little it may be as I pocket them for my own plus the experiences are for me to keep .Welll how's the job list going ,scripting for radio show ,paid to mark attendance ,transcription ,some call centre job (rather communications studies )and all sorts of nonsense .

The freebies are coming in too .Free DXO passes ,and party passes .But I am so proud that I rejected all of them all as I am simply not free .Nonsense aside ,I have seen the really soft side of people and had gone through lots of tears ,blood ,swelling ,needles and sweat this half of the semester .Once reccess ends ,poof .I would be back to being a muggerish person .

Not sure why I don't mug anymore .Not at all .

Is being a jetsetter good ?

When I have times ,I shall blog about roots .

2010-02-23T05:31:00.000-08:00

I am listening to requiem %^&*( z(that means jap words )by sens .And being tasked so many things this week .I need the help of God .Feeling so much better with the song .Jaws are not stiff anymore .

CNY

2010-02-15T18:07:00.000-08:00

This chinese new year has been especially rewarding and heart breaking .I have seen certain things that I do not wish to see and a different side of people .how fast people can change in the span of one year .

Visitng has been packed from back to back .Mum's side ,Dad's side ,friends ,school ,church .Maxed out. I have to go to school tomorrow and get the scripts done by this week ,HW111 projects x2 ,mug for mid terms ,transcriptions (not urgent though )plus do my quiet time .

Time with God has been neglected and I don't like that .I had a tiny worship session on the eve of Chinese New Year ,every single time I worshipped I will feel that I am meant to live for so much more .

I wish to join the epiphany too .

I think I should start a jogging ministry .

A day in the radio recording room

2010-02-12T01:47:00.000-08:00

I have spent almost 4 hours in this room ,listening to music and trying to entertain myself with facebook ,replying emails checking out cool dance movements .

In this stretch of time I have also learnt that there's a lot of pious talk out there on facebook .I understand if you need to rededicate your life to God ,but I hate piousness .This week has been so real to me ,when free time and work just sandwiched me from side to side .Reality hit me really hard and I was pondering if I could really be a market place minister .I can't even bear to put praise songs in the library ,although there's no limitations .

God give me strength to do it . I want to serve you but how ?There is no point asking God to choose me and wait for an apple for fall .Gravity was never discovered like that .It was through experiment and deep thought processes .

I love the media though ,despite the amount of work that has to be done .The media is manipulative ,it depends on who has control and influence .I was also thinking about real needs and felt needs .What do they lack ?I need to ask God because on the surface ,everyone is in pretty good shape .

2010-02-10T08:05:00.001-08:00

Wassup God ,I have been too passive .Out to breakout and bless .I can't wait to get to the point .But at times ,we like to go in different direction .I have been creating platforms but not getting to the point yet .Perhaps I am too eager to be a harvester .I have never asked God to teach me patience as I know how it would be taught .

2010-02-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have finished all my transcriptions .Anyway I find it difficult to believe that God is doing something good .What am I typing ?Today's conversation over dinner was extremely reflective of my walk with God now .Yes I read my bible and I know whats going on in the bible .But I switch my mind on to listen to God when I want to only .Deapite knowing that God speaks to me ,I am lazy to share a word of knowledge or even focus to get a word of knowledge ?

What was wrong with my mind ,thinking that I can do things with my own strength as by brute strength I can get something completed .I believe so too ,by tenacity and resoluteness I will be able to complete it .I have kickedGod out of the picture and in someway told Him what He could interfere and what He could not .

I do not mix work and play .Secular and God .This is not the way Jenn ,this is not the lifestyle to live .I contemplate so much about missions ,whether it would look good on the resume ,whether houses would be built ,whether real needs would be met .I have forgotten how bringing a love encounter could change things and how things would be different when the spiritual atmosphere changes .Listening to things ,being tasked with responsibility ,I love my work .I would even say that I have made it an idol ,placing my hopes and confidence in it .

After seeing a video ,it triggered me to think that I have to keep going ,God's way .The purpose ,the divine purpose ,the great plan .I live not just to be entertained or live a colourful but there must be more than this .I need prayer ,lots of it .

Apart from seeeing how powerful the media is I have also seen how manipulative the media can be ,some secret pride that it may bring .Man calls anything that happens chance ,I call it divine appointment .

God ,I hereby make a decision to live an exciting life ,planned by you ,not by me .Your agenda ,not mine .Just keep me in suspense ,I am ready and game for it .

2010-02-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

On saturday ,I stepped into church .I did not attend sermon but knew that everyone had a good laugh .Being overwhelmed by fatigue ,I was highly irritable .Since we all do sociology ,it was really easy to spell things out .Yes I clamour for attention ,someone to listen to my exciting advenures or my whimpers .Birthday songs ,sounds of applause ,random hi's or whatsoever appeared to me as superficial .People laugh at superficial things .At that very moment ,I thought that all was fake .We were just feigning to be nice people to keep the clique together .

I would suppose I ranted like that 5 years ago .But now ,I was irritated by screams and noises of support .Little did I realise that I haven't spoken to God for the entire week .

God I want to come back to the heart of worship and its all about you and not what I can do things or how I can do things. Not my influence .But yours .Not my speed but yours .Not my little organisation or plannings .Neither is any success accredited to my strong will or stubborness but please ,please take control of everything .

Let my rest not lie in simple earthly pleasures like food or praises from man .But God a revelation each day would be the best .Thats amazingly true .

Hey you ,stop and think

2010-01-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

I have been bottling up too much emotions .Collected ,unprocessed and unoticed .Yesterday I went out with dtwh ,my secondary friend .It was really needed .Time to talk about life and catching up after three years .I really wanted to spend time with this friend alone as catchup is much needed .We started recounting people whom we dated and all the dumb stuff we did .

Time passes really fast and I just realised that I have been doing meaningful things .Too meaningful and purposeful .I need to slack not in terms of academic but work out some nonsense .Today I was on the verge of breaking down ,after transcribing for many hours ,being busy with the station (fusion ),meeting people and doing all the proper stuff .It just take one small thing to go wrong before you go completely berserk .

On the bus home I was figuring out my emotions .I tried playing different songs and tried smiling ,sulking and whatever .Staring at my reflections ,I had nothing to say .Was I covering or concealing ?What was I feeling then ?I had no idea .But I had a good time at corp prayer though .Praying for something on my heart .I started praying for this group of people since last year /

Thank You .Love in Action

2010-01-24T06:24:00.001-08:00

Today I attended close to four hours of vietnamese singing .Its a vietnamese singing competition .I contemplated whether I should go or stay at home to rot .I did catch up on some readings in the morning .Anyway I had a blast there and took back so many important lessons .

Often ,I judged people by their cover .After knowing about the learn programme .I guess all people would look out for Koreans ,Japanese and Taiwanese or somehow those from the richer countries .Definitely its from perception that those people are wackier and its somehow cooler being associated with them .But today I learnt so much from my fellow friends .I made friends and understood what it meant by communication beyond words .

We talked about sensitive issues ,things that could not be found in books .I was moved and motivated by their dilligence ,very much facted talent and such good hospitality .

Great people ,great night .I simply love them.Today I feel least manipulative .Just felt that I should be a good host .

2010-01-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

Attention attention here she seeks
The avenue and opportunities arise .
Writing transcribing ,music .
She is nothing but meek .
As the challenges approaches ,she vacillates between principles .
Never would she think she would be tested ,tempted and finally vindicated .
Complexities flood her mind .
As she ponders about the next line .

Que sara sara whatever would be would be .
She always thinks of getting out of the country .
Mixing with new people .
Getting to know each other .
Things have come to a point of standstill
Where she thinks there is something unfulfilled .

Emancipation ,liberation from ??
from??
Such words suddenly come to mind .
Without a thought of whats the next line .

A break from the current lifestyle would be good .
A brand new one with much to do .
To learn ,to explore and to fail .
Thats what life is for in general .
Success ,consistency and reciprocity .
When can we stop living such lives filled with hippocracy .

Lets preach ,lets sing lets talk .
Why not give men a break and let God call the shots .
The dark ,the light the grey .
Why do we never venture there in the day .

Perplexed ,messed up and questioned .
I can't wait to be an international student .
With freedom with control with dependence .
Away from expectations and people you know .
The strength ,the beauties ,the virtues .
Will truly be reflected when you choose your roles.

Why why why do we always try to be a missionary .
Traveling to places to try to make a difference .
Why can't we appreciate where we are meant to be
Why do we always envy
Why can't I just be me .

2010-01-17T20:10:00.001-08:00

Dear blog

Today is the start of the second week of school .Full fledged school .Lastday of CATI and the start of tutorial.I was looking at some Hong Kong Disney Land documentary and I got a little scared of it .

I'm not sure if Mum and Dad would still like to go since they have visited the US one .

Dear blog

2010-01-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Dear blog

I guess I have changed a little this year .And all the dreams and visions do nnot just revolve around better grades ,more money .Who goes to the coolest parties or how much I can drink or who I know .

It mainly revolves around things which are more real .Knowing causes and consequences and the price to pay for certain things .When social issues tug people around you .You will be too vastly changed .

I watched blind sight the other day and was really touched by what they did in the show.Many things have been revolving and realised that as I turn 21 .I will be legally responsible for my actions and as I get older ,perhaps I have greater influence among people due to age .

Every thing I do ,I do it for you.

Before Term Starts

2010-01-04T18:54:00.001-08:00

I really think that I am turning 21 this year .Its time to convince mum and dad that I am not that wild or muddle headed .

Talked to Steph in the wee hours today .She told me to go for summer programme .That means ,missing up to like 2 months with her ,tessa and family and not attending Chris's convocation .I wonder how it feels like ,not having the entire family attending his convocation ,even the furthest one has returned ,now the homie is going away .

Ambivalent feelings .Clashes and all .Recently ,I have been incessantly chatty and have been going out so much .I know that I am trying to use all my time this holiday to do certain things ,I wouldnt have time to do for five months .Its really exciting .

I promise to do my readings properly and do the tutorials without speed reading everything and glancing through 60 pages in half an hour and trying to crap something up .

As I was packing some junk ,selling some books away ,I stumbled upon this book called umm when teens pray .As I held that book ,I had the very impulse not to throw it away ,As I flipped it open ,I felt something asking me to get back to basics ,that very fervent heart for Jesus .If they are prayifng for junior high ,I can pray for the university .Although certain things may look silly ,but its worth it .Absolutely .

2010-01-02T18:23:00.001-08:00

God broke my heart for people with special needs

Finally Decided

2010-01-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

A few main things I want to make them come to pass

Join the piano ensemble

Read the bible from cover to cover (I will get that book or make someone get it for me )

Finish my reading list for my moudule (I shall be accountable to someone ,every book not read would equate to one chocolate bar given away ,but if grace goh is keeping me on tracks then ,one container of clorects )

Get one A at least for this sem (Not that hard I guess but take it slow )

Do my lucky draw prayer thing

As for summer school I am still thinking about it .As stephanie is coming back in August so if I leave in June ,I'll spend 2 months there .

2010

2010-01-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Its 2010 .I am still stucked in 2009 not really know what to anticipate for 2010 ,apart from my new cool project /job and the youth olympics .I have no expectations at all .No travel plans ,no concrete ambitions .Perhaps the yearly ones like read the bible more consistently ,study more ,get better grades play more music and on and on .They are not concrete at all as I have been working at them for years .

God what should I expect or why am I trying to expect so much ?Is there a void to be filled that I have to busy myself with all sorts of activities .On hindsight, I would really love to give thanks to God .For deeper relationship with father God and perspectives which are mind blowing .The spirit of guilt and condemnation no longer plagues me .I got pretty average results and felt peace during exam .This got me realising that Chris has this during exam too .No condemnation of self ,no self pity .But knowing that you have been a good steward of time .

In one camp ,we did something like name one thing you want to do for your family ,community ,market place and church .I see overlaps .Church and community are the same thing to me .I do not have tons of party going friends to hang out with .When I am bored ,I will sit at home ,type away .Click on solitare or watch television ,flip open a book or play the piano .Notice that I may be loud and noisy when I am with friends but that is because I channel all my energy to that during meet ups and reserve my reserve side all to myself .Activities I like include running and swimming .No team work ,just me and myself .Its also the best time to talk to God .I like dancing ,watching people dance. No partnership ,no waltz ,no tango but ballet or hip hop .Alone .No one to hold you .

When grace told me to make a list yesterday .I thought ok .We have talked about this before but I have never penned things down .She told me to prepare myself mentally for umm a relationship .I havent at all .Perhaps screwed up a bit .How to ?Question yourself ?Read lots of books or use our sociology or psychology perspective to analyse things ?How do I be thoroughly objective then .Remembering the times which when guys treated me particularly well ,I would think something sneaky is wrong .But now ,its much different .I analyse the situation ,defining the background ,running through characters .At times even ponder if everyone has a condition leading them to act this way .If someone holds me ,apart from my dad ,I will flick him away quickly and grab on to a pole immediately .

What a night .Anyway ,what do I expect this year ?I have yet to know .But I asked people this question .Two whom I asked (The only two )responded regarding relationships .Like get a girlfriend or something of that sorts .But how can you pen it down ?What makes you so sure you will get it done ?Is it something that can be cleared by a tick ?So if the girl whom you like rejects you ,would you hastily find another one and strike it off the to do list ?Lots of rambling tonight .Lost in rambling too .

Have a lovely night .There's cell tomorrow .Something to be excited about .That should be the way

2009-12-31T22:53:00.000-08:00

Hi blog ,its 2010 .

I thought of typing some really superficial stuff here .Had a good chAT with goh at bk yesterday and realised that I need to grow up as I will hit 21 soon and I will be legally responsibly for lots of things .

my beautiful 2009

2009-12-21T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was pondering about Christmas while listening to class 95 .The DJ mentioned about something like how to respond when you receive a bad gift .This made me think about the concept of a bad gift .Candles ,bath soads ,lotions ,mugs .Are they bad gifts ?Even if they are not very useful ,they are very good gifts ,at least they make me feel appreciated when I receive them .Even a hand written note is good enough .We have reached a state that we take gifts and Christmas for granted ,many times ,the price God paid for granted and as a given .Not every Christmas do you get gifts or something nice .

I thank God that I am living today and will learn how to be Christ like ,to give without the thought of receiving ,that is love .

Compelled to write

2009-12-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

Its the night before advance . Its around past twelve now and I guess I will be leaving ina while's time to Batam .Often I feel that I have no expectations for the advance and wow God did something .But that is probably wrong ,I would have expectations for advance ,probably not good ones so I do not mention it at all .

For this year ,I know what God has done in my life .So much so that I feel so complacent as I am just very safe in His arms .There must be more than this definitely .I can't push myself to look for more as life is good .I still remembered how I played very single night for my cell ,family ,taiwan and other things on my heart .It was quite pleasant .

Anyway what I want from this advance is something to pray for .Not something on the list ,but something God would make me passioinate about .I am currently zen ,jaded or simply too comfortable .

Yesterday I went for Singapore Lyrical Opera's concert and felt that wow thats good music and actually I should not just wait for the tkv event to be over but I have to put in more effort .We should bring joy and love to our audience .I learnt that through Yulin's random comment that I was just there to make up the numbers .Lots of things could be worked on ,do not give up people doing arts .I have a feeling that 2010 would be an artsy year for me .Hear the clock no more but the tick tocks of the metronome.

The Incident

2009-12-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

This is an eventful holidays .I love it so far .I started thinking about things I have stopped thinking about just because it was inconvenient .And I am learning how to behave like one of age 21 .How I could do a little more to protect my family .How the ends are coming as there are so many people out there who are just pretty mean .

Values and priorities are re aligned and the realisation of network being so important .Holidays is not just about chilling out and getting fat or just doing things I have no time to do but a great time to re think priorities .

2009-12-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when times are too peaceful ,I tend to take things for granted .Thank you Lord for such a reminder today .Not going to waste life away

2009-11-30T01:08:00.000-08:00

Je voudrais
to cook a christmas meals
to bless people with food that hmm doesnt make them worse than before
to bake something from scratch and have it turned out as intended
to play a little more than open strings on the violin
to pack the room
to write christmas cards
to send something called love gift out of Singapore
to show love to many people
to make these my christmas list

The Final Sprint

2009-11-30T00:51:00.000-08:00

Like real ,I am not even sprinting ,readings are accompanied by the occasional company of television ,facebooking and of course more summarsing of notes .I am almost done .I did like trois rounds of reading ,hopefully could consolidate everything in my head .

Anyway thank you God for no stress ,is it His benevolence or is it me being too lazy .Nevermind .It is hard to differentiate between ,even harder when I am exposed to things like symbolic constructionism and ethos or logos behind what the gharment is doing .

God is good .I wonder how ironic it is .Before I sleep ,I will tell God ,I have nothing significant to tell you to day and flop my head down but is a day good when something happens ,is a day bad when something happens ?

It was quite a shock to know that I am older than Taylor Swift and all the new stars these days are younger than 20 .People look up to stars right and I believe there is an age factor involved .Sigh .

I dont want 2009 to go .Too many awesome things happening

A break or more before I make my last dash

2009-11-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

I love the mark and spencer goodies .It means high chance that I will buy them and give away

Happy happy day .MUG .

There is more to school and grades

2009-11-26T02:38:00.000-08:00

Faith is seeing what is unseen .
Trust is tested when there is a storm and when you know that everything would be ok even if you got 40 percent of the paper screwed .

Praise the LORD (grins teeth and continue mugging for 102 )

Exam woes trois

2009-11-24T21:10:00.001-08:00

I did something which made me feel good yesterday ,I shared my summaries with my friend .

I will give all that I have as I lack nothing .Actually I think that its not the protestant ethics that made the christians rich but the calvinists concepts .Anyway when times are not good ,when you are weary ,continue with the kingdom lifestyle .Its heartening to know that mum has been praving for me .

I am preparing to give something special to the family.Nothing much but bears my soul and contains my blessings .

101 and 102 .You guys are not the demons .